
Well dear readers, it's that time again where I straighten my tie (HA) and dust off my soapbox and do as all the historically great orators have done for so many years....bitch. Now that Zoey is a perfectly beautiful 6 month old, I feel as though it's time to get something off my chest. Babies stink. There, whew...I feel better. What? I'm sorry, are you shouting at your computer screen about how good they smell? Does the mere thought of putting your nose into a cute cuddly baby make your ovaries quiver with delight? Or, for my male readers....make your tough exterior melt like a chocolate Easter Bunny left in the sun? Well lemme tell you a thing or two. Babies by nature smell bad...Nine times outta ten their clothes smell of sour milk and vomit, their feet and toes smell like the onions that come on a burger at McDonald's and that little spot under their necks smell like that place behind our ears that no one ever admits to being curiously drawn to. Now before you suggest that maybe the Zoester isn't getting enough baths, or perhaps she herself is just a stinky baby, I assure you that she bathes on a regular basis for one of six months. I humbly suggest that it's the products we slather upon our children that we've grown so attached to. If you don't believe me, I implore you to send one of your single (guy) friends out to a bar after showering with Johnson's Baby Shampoo and then forgoing his normal cologne for a nice sized dollop of the above mentioned Johnson and his powerful Baby Lotion. I swear upon all that's holy that man will have the most "successful" night of his life!! Women everywhere will flock to him like the salmon of Capistrano (thank you Dumb and Dumber). And please, don't even get me started on the odors that emanate from the baby's back end....let's just agree that it is on cuteness and cuteness alone that parents are able to gag their way through the technicolor nightmare that is a dirty diaper....
I would like to inject a small statement here on slobber. For those of you who don't know, (or don't remember) baby slobber is a special substance....My house which my wife and I have worked very hard for is under siege by what can only be described as an Ectoplasmic Apparition or for those of you as in love with 80's as much as I am....a Slimer. The stuff that comes out of a baby's mouth has only the color (most times) in common with what we call spit. It's remarkably stringy and acts more like a spider's web than something leaking out of a baby. Oh, and did I mention it gets EVERYWHERE! Toys, couches, arms and legs parental, and baby (and as a special treat for me...beards), remotes, phones, and pretty much anything else that does now, or has at one time resided (or merely visited) the floor. I would not be surprised if collected, (yuck b-t-dub) said slobber could be used as a wonderfully effective industrial lubricant. I shall end this subject in the only way I feel is fitting, when asked by Jen why I was so wet after playing with Zoey, I merely replied, "She slimed me"
Another disturbing fact I've only observed in the past, but am now faced with on a daily basis is the fact that mom's love everything about their babies. Every fart, every sound, every look, every move, everything....I mean EVERYTHING....is the cat's pajamas to a mother. Now as a proud papa, I am inclined to brag about the fact that my daughter is amazingly beautiful (just like her mommy) and will probably be a huge Hollywood star, a nuclear physicist, and in her spare time the President of the United States. That being said, on a day to day occurrence my wife squeals with delight matched only by the first girls to lay eyes on the Beatles at something Zoey has done. "COME IN HERE OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!!!!" reverberates through our house as I come running to see what's happened. (At this point I obviously think a third arm has sprouted out of Zoey's forehead based on the level of shock from my beloved...) "What? What is it? What did she do?" I ask. "LOOK AT HER!!! SHE'S STARING AT HER FINGERS!!!" Really?...That's what she's done?....My first born, whom all my hopes and dreams (of a cushy retirement)are placed upon has spent the last few minutes of her precious life staring at her fingers....I mean come on! I've done that one night in college after "experimenting" and not one single person got that excited for me, and I did it for HOURS! And of course that's just one of the many examples that happen in the course of a day.....The days of just sitting on the couch and enjoying a TV show are gone thanks to the commentary from my better half. "Isn't she the cutest baby you've ever seen!", "Look how amazed she is by this pattern", "Look she wants my water bottle", "Look at this cute little expression", "Look at the cute face she makes when she poops", and my favorite, "I could just sit and look at her for hours". I can only comment on this behavior by informing all the new dads out there that you are not immune from this no matter what your wife tells you now....
Well it appears we've reached the end of another session. This is where I usually tell you how sorry I am for not posting in a while and that I promise to do better, but hey, let's face it...babies take up a lot of time. So I will promise that there will be more on it's way, I just can't say when 8-).
OH! Just as an afterthought, if for some reason you stop hearing from me and become worried, please come look for me. I fear now that if I happen to meet an untimely demise (accidental of COURSE) here in the house, my angel of a wife may in fact not notice, and react to what I can only imagine would be a horrific smell, by saying "OOH, did mommy's little girl make a stinky?" "HONEY! COME IN HERE QUICK YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE WHAT SHE'S DONE......
Thank you dear readers as always for allowing me to take up your time, and as always, if you like this, please tell your friends and family to give it a read.