Babies! It's what's for dinner....

What is it about a cute baby that makes seemingly normal individuals turn into cannibals? Now you may think I've went off my rocker here but it's true. When confronted with an adorable baby, many people's reactions land in this realm. As I sit here and write this, the echos of statements like "God I could just eat her up!", and for those of you whose vernacular tends to lean more towards the country, there's the always disturbing, "I'd like to sop her up with a biscuit". Plus, my personal favorite that came from my sis-in-law's dad, "If your daddy would let me, I'd take my teeth out and just chew on them cheeks." It's not as though I think these people are actually gonna eat the Zoester, it's just a trend that I can't explain....And this trend is not isolated to just people I know, Jen and I are just as guilty! One of the favorite pastimes in our house is when Jen has the "eating" of baby feet, and then we sit and wonder why, after our beautiful little girl realized she had feet, she has decided the best place for them would be in her mouth. I myself enjoy the occasional side of baby ribs, and in turn Zoey laughs her head off when I do so. Is it something in our genetic makeup that causes us to feel this way? As far as I know, other things don't have the same effect. I've never once said, or heard someone say anything about eating a new puppy or kitten, or for that matter, I've never even looked at a baby calf and thought MAN! I'd love to eat the rib eye right off you!! (Although, arguably the last one would seem like the most acceptable one.) I'm curious if subconsciously we all think that ugly babies would taste horrible and that's why when we see them the only things that come to mind are our pathetic attempts at compliments like, "My what a cute little outfit he's wearing.", or "Boy she's such an observant little thing." when really we want to look at the parents and say "Holy Shit!! Did you drop him?!" And before you start commenting on how there's no such thing as an ugly baby, may I remind you that it's ok to admit it, we all know it's true, and besides, your secret's safe with me dear readers....

On the upside, I'm ecstatic that everyone wants to eat my darling little girl, especially considering the alternative. That being having a little ugo for a child. Now of course I have taken flack from my beloved for pointing out this fact but hey! when you got it flaunt it right? However bad it may seem, pretty people get all the breaks, so why wouldn't I be happy that people think of chewing off her little fingers instead of vomiting a little every time the light hits her....As a matter of fact, I made two different people promise me that when Zoey arrived they would let me know if she was as adorable as I (of course) thought she was, or if we had a "Visually Challenging" baby on our hands. And yes, if you were wondering that is the politically correct way to say ugly now, according to www.newspeakdictionary.com. Thankfully, we have a beautiful (delicious) little girl and couldn't be happier!! She's already helped us get better tables at restaurants, faster service from cashiers, and who knows, maybe one of these days, my adorable little girl will be famous and can take care of her old man....well a guy can dream can't he?

Till next time dear readers.....

Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of weird crap no one told me...

So here we are at 5 months old. Zoey's doing fantastic, and of course growing every day. There's a lot that I have on my mind so if I may, I shall skip the usual updates and just get to it...

Let us start with the Zoester herself. First of all, most people will think that babies are horrible at multi-tasking, but to them I must say nay. Why just today, the perfect little girl that I sit and imagine to be the first female President, was nursing and pooping at the same time. Yes, there are few things more disturbing than watching someone eat and poop at the exact same time. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she were more discrete, but as those with kids will tell you discretion is the last thing on the mind of a baby. She merely sucks and pushes, causing her face to turn an alarming shade of red, and (sometimes) even has watery eyes. Now, being the good dad that I am, I've tried to explain to her that pushing that hard will only lead to a blown O ring, and that I've known bigger men than her succumb to this particular mistake. However, she continues to push, which unfortunately (and hilariously), has even led to milk shooting out of her nose.Which leads to the most disturbing part of this bizarre little person. Whenever she decides to take said dump, she feels the need to stare at me. It doesn't matter if I'm feeding her a bottle, if Jen's nursing her, or if she's just laying on the floor playing, she feels the need to stop what she's doing and look at dear old dad during her daily constitutionals. Now I've never felt my looks have held any laxative qualities, so therefore I can only come to the conclusion that she does it on purpose to punish me. As a matter of fact, all of her bodily functions seem to been done with malicious intent....Case in point, why is it that when you take her diaper off, clean her up and get a new diaper out, that she chooses then to spray down you and whatever else happens to be in the "splash zone" with a hot stream of urine? Cute baby antics or payback for making her take a nap? And furthermore, the last time I saw someone as wobbly as Zoey and with such a big smile on her face look directly at me and vomit, was a sorority girl in college who'd had too many Jagerbombs. Moms will say sour stomach, but I say, retribution for that goofy looking outfit I made her wear? Now I know there will be arguments over whether or not a 5 month old can be mean, but I merely ask you to consider the possibility....

Oh! A quick side note on fecal matter (heh, bet that's the first time you've read a sentence like that huh?). I've been to dumps, gutted animals, been near roadkill and even seen a dead body, but why is it that my daughter's poop makes me gag like I've just been in the gas chamber at boot camp? You want to defeat terrorists? Start dropping that on them....they'll give up, trust me.

Come with me now dear readers into the magical world of breastfeeding....
So as a man, I've been genetically programmed with a few things. First, I friggin HATE being late to ANYWHERE, and if possible I wanna be the first person there just so I can talk shit to all the people that come in after me. Next, I like boobs. I like to look at them, touch them, snuggle with them, talk about them, read about them, I like the way they smell, the way they move, (bra optional)and I even like to play a fun game called "Guess the Cup Size". Lastly, as a man I am predisposed to be protective (or jealous if you wanna be primitive about it) of my lovely wife. Well, lemme tell ya right now, breastfeeding RUINS all of that. You think that you were late before when your mate took forever getting ready? Try to argue timing when she looks at you and says, "Really? So you care more about being on time, than whether or not your child eats?!!" (Psst, b-t-dub, the answer is always yes, I am a man after all...see above) So, I must sit and wait while my daughter, who by the way is distracted by a mouse fart, takes her time to enjoy every last freakin drop, and then take my verbal "beat down" when I show up late to wherever we may be going. As for the boob loving? Well my friends, there is no boob love when you live with a breastfeeder....Something all you dad-to-be's should know (Josh I'm talking to you in particular), boobs that are full of milk, and chewed on by an infant don't wanna be touched, or snuggled, or talked about, smelled, or watched when they move (and yes this does include when they are being used in a pump), and God help you if you comment on any size difference. As for being written about, well I'll let you know after Jen reads this particular passage....Lastly, as the partner of a nursing mom, you have to become used to the fact that more often than not, your prize possessions (her boobs) are gonna be on display in some shape or form. Case in point, Jen and I were on our way to the theater (without Zoey, THANK YOU Grammy)so she has to pump. Now back in high school when you're young and dumb it's funny when your girlfriend flashes a trucker. It's a totally different ballgame when your beautiful wife's boobs are out with a machine attached to them as you drive down the highway....

So as I'm finishing up,(time for me to go warm up a bottle)I gotta give Jen big (no seriously, post pregnancy big :-) ) props for nursing. It's a royal pain in the ass to do, and I would have given up long ago, well, that and it would be really gross to see me trying to breastfeed...But she keeps plugging away and is doing a terrific job. From everything to taking her boob out in public places, having to pump in a nasty closet the great state of Missouri calls a "nursing station", to putting said pump together like one of the military exercises they do where they have to put their guns together, she does a great job, and Zoey is all the better for it. So my dear, even though I poke fun at you here, just know that I appreciate all the hard work you do....

Till next time dear readers....