And this is only the beginning....

Well dear readers, I'm sure at this point you never expected to hear from me again right? Just another blogging flash-in-the-pan that's here one day and poof the next. Well, to that I say poppycock! I simply was forced to take a break due to the fact my new daughter seems to take up all my time. Yes, that's right she's here. I know to most of my followers that's old news, however to some that may not know, here's the cliff notes. Zoey was born healthy and happy on April 29th, and so far is as close to perfection as you can get. As for my wife and I, well... we're new parents and as many know, that's one helluva new experience...

So as you know from earlier posts, we were as prepared as any new parents could be without actually having a baby. Labor went fantastic, my lovely wife did amazingly well and all went as plan with the birth. Well, that is except for a couple things. You see, we had an agreement that in the labor room I'd stay north of what we're calling her "equator". This was her wish, and frankly, I had no problems with that. By no means am I the guy in the room with the camera aimed at her hoo-ha (yeah I called it a hoo-ha, sue me) trying to catch the "joyous moment". But here's the truth that no one wants you to know. Staying away from the "business end" or if you prefer the "splash zone" is nearly impossible. I had a nurse tell me to grab a foot and place it directly over my wife's head. Now, for all of you that have seen (or been in) this position, you are well aware that as the foot rises higher, the equator shifts, and you end up face to face with what appears to be a combination of every gore-fest movie ever made. Let me say this so everyone will understand...this is not "amazing", or "beautiful", or "natural", this is hands down, the grossest thing you'll ever see this side of a Wes Craven nightmare. And please understand this in no way reflects on how beautiful I think my wife is (very b-t-dub) but I felt that the truth like the X-files needed to be out there. Oh, and Dad's-to-be, be warned, when your baby comes out, that's not really what he or she will look like forever, I promise everything will look more normal in a week or so. A couple other tips for the Dad's: 1. Don't drink 3 Red Bulls during labor, there's not a whole lot you can do as you're running laps around the room. 2. Stop and eat on the way to the hospital, cause you have no time once you're there. And 3. after the 2-3 days you and your wife are in the hospital with the new baby, they make you go home....

Now you might think to yourself, Duh Dave, I know I have to take the baby home. But here's what I'm telling you...Once you enter the hospital, it's like you enter an alternate universe. You lose all concept of the "outside" and become completely focused on the task at hand. And like it or not, you have to drive your new baby home amongst all the "bad drivers" that on any other day would be fine. I know this because after 3 days of having a nursing staff wait on you hand and foot, they politely ask if you have a car seat, and then they take you to the door and say "bye now, have a good day!" That's when reality will begin to hit you...You're gonna find yourself driving 30 in a 70, and flipping off anyone who dares come within 20 yards of your vehicle, and God help the person on the cellphone as they blow by you without even looking. This is all completely normal and usually passes after a month or so.

As for being home, that's not so bad once you get the hang of it. I can tell you now, most people didn't lie about this part. You get little to no sleep, you stop caring about whether or not you showered, or the house got cleaned, and instead you just sit on the couch and watch the little one sleep. Take advantage of these moments, cause they go by surprisingly fast! Even as I write this, the Zoester doesn't really sleep in your arms like she used to, and she's already rolling around the house like a drunken hobo. A few other things I've noticed....I always wondered why new parents talked about poop so much, and swore I'd never mention it when I became a parent, well that's not exactly true. In some weird fashion, you end up talking about, counting the number of, or examining the color of your child's poop. I can only hope this will be a short lasting habit, as even though I'm guilty as charged, I can do nothing but be ashamed of giving in to this behavior. Another thing is you become used to your child's crying. As we all know, when you're out in public and we hear a baby cry it's annoying. Just admit it people, there's many out there who like to say it doesn't bother them or they don't really hear it, but this is a lie. I still don't like listening to it, and all it does to Jen is make her lactate. However, when Zoey cries, all we really hear is what she's crying for, cause after a bit you learn that there's a hungry cry, a tired cry, and sometimes, just a cry for crying sake.

Well dear readers, this post seems a little scattered and I feel like I should stop for now, cause I've still got a million things to get done before Zoey wakes up from her nap, but at least this gets us close to being caught up, and I promise to post soon.