Caution: Baby bump ahead...

So there I was, laying comfortably on the couch on a Sunday secretly relishing the fact that I had the remote, and nothing but a cornucopia of football in my near future. This is in large part due to the fact that now that my darling wife is with child, she stares (for no less than an hour and half mind you) at herself in the mirror in various stages of dress. My only indications that this is going on is that: a) I have the remote (see above) b) whenever I try and go near the bathroom I find that it has better security than any government agency, and only Danny Ocean and his team of master thieves would be able to steal a peek through the door, and c) she's a little too quiet, (kinda like when a little kid sneaks off to poop in their diaper) except, of course, for these melancholy sighs that emanate out of the bathroom as if to say "Well at least I used to be attractive...".

Now, I know what you're thinking. If I were a good husband, I'd forget about the ecstasy that is Sunday football, and I'd gently purr to her sweet nothings outside the closed door. But the truth is, I love watching football, and these days, even a sappy commercial causes Jenni to begin weeping so uncontrollably that Barbra Walters herself couldn't ask for better results. So yes, I was being selfish and I'm not ashamed to say it. Now getting back on track, there I was laying in the warm Sunday sunshine with my brain completely turned off (yes ladies, when we say we're not thinking of anything it's really true) and enjoying the games. This is where things took a surprising turn....

Jenni walks out of the bathroom, (looking AMAZING b-t-dub) and says to me with a scowl, "I look absolutely HUGE today!!" Here is where I (as only the greatest husbands do), walk over to her, take her in my arms and kiss her softly and lovingly and tell her how she's the most beautiful thing that God has ever made and how I would literally turn into a pile of goo without her. Only I didn't say fudge...(yeah that's a shout out to A Christmas Story if you're keeping score). In all my infinite wisdom, not even bothering to get off the couch, let alone taking my eyes off the game, I say to her "Baby, you look just like you always have..." Oh, my friends, if only words like that were like spaghetti just waiting to be sucked back up I'd would have never experienced what followed.

There have been reports of women, in emergency situations, transforming into superheroes and lifting cars off their children, beating up 10 large men, and all sorts of amazing feats of bravery. There are not however, to my knowledge any reports on how a woman (let alone a pregnant one) transforms physically and emotionally when the one they've vowed to love for better or worse says something stupid. It starts with her face, slowly twisting into something that resembles equal parts heartbreak and hatred. Tears well in her eyes, the nostrils flare, color rushes to her face faster than someone that's farted in church and gone is the sweet alto voice I've grown accustom to, only to be replaced with the voice of Beelzebub himself. What ensues is a 30 minute master class in back pedalling taught by yours truly, lots of reassurance that it's Peanut getting bigger not her, and a constant stream of tissues with two re-applications of make-up.

Alas, this is my first experience with seeing a baby bump on my wife and, (as soon as I started paying attention) I realized that it really is Peanut in there, and as far as I'm concerned, Jenni is still the most beautiful woman I know. So in summation, we officially have a "bump" (Huzzah!), tomorrow we are 13 weeks along, and Thursday is day that Peanut's heartbeat will be heard for the first time. :) Stay tuned for our further "Adventures in Baby-growing" coming soon.