Caution: Baby bump ahead...

So there I was, laying comfortably on the couch on a Sunday secretly relishing the fact that I had the remote, and nothing but a cornucopia of football in my near future. This is in large part due to the fact that now that my darling wife is with child, she stares (for no less than an hour and half mind you) at herself in the mirror in various stages of dress. My only indications that this is going on is that: a) I have the remote (see above) b) whenever I try and go near the bathroom I find that it has better security than any government agency, and only Danny Ocean and his team of master thieves would be able to steal a peek through the door, and c) she's a little too quiet, (kinda like when a little kid sneaks off to poop in their diaper) except, of course, for these melancholy sighs that emanate out of the bathroom as if to say "Well at least I used to be attractive...".

Now, I know what you're thinking. If I were a good husband, I'd forget about the ecstasy that is Sunday football, and I'd gently purr to her sweet nothings outside the closed door. But the truth is, I love watching football, and these days, even a sappy commercial causes Jenni to begin weeping so uncontrollably that Barbra Walters herself couldn't ask for better results. So yes, I was being selfish and I'm not ashamed to say it. Now getting back on track, there I was laying in the warm Sunday sunshine with my brain completely turned off (yes ladies, when we say we're not thinking of anything it's really true) and enjoying the games. This is where things took a surprising turn....

Jenni walks out of the bathroom, (looking AMAZING b-t-dub) and says to me with a scowl, "I look absolutely HUGE today!!" Here is where I (as only the greatest husbands do), walk over to her, take her in my arms and kiss her softly and lovingly and tell her how she's the most beautiful thing that God has ever made and how I would literally turn into a pile of goo without her. Only I didn't say fudge...(yeah that's a shout out to A Christmas Story if you're keeping score). In all my infinite wisdom, not even bothering to get off the couch, let alone taking my eyes off the game, I say to her "Baby, you look just like you always have..." Oh, my friends, if only words like that were like spaghetti just waiting to be sucked back up I'd would have never experienced what followed.

There have been reports of women, in emergency situations, transforming into superheroes and lifting cars off their children, beating up 10 large men, and all sorts of amazing feats of bravery. There are not however, to my knowledge any reports on how a woman (let alone a pregnant one) transforms physically and emotionally when the one they've vowed to love for better or worse says something stupid. It starts with her face, slowly twisting into something that resembles equal parts heartbreak and hatred. Tears well in her eyes, the nostrils flare, color rushes to her face faster than someone that's farted in church and gone is the sweet alto voice I've grown accustom to, only to be replaced with the voice of Beelzebub himself. What ensues is a 30 minute master class in back pedalling taught by yours truly, lots of reassurance that it's Peanut getting bigger not her, and a constant stream of tissues with two re-applications of make-up.

Alas, this is my first experience with seeing a baby bump on my wife and, (as soon as I started paying attention) I realized that it really is Peanut in there, and as far as I'm concerned, Jenni is still the most beautiful woman I know. So in summation, we officially have a "bump" (Huzzah!), tomorrow we are 13 weeks along, and Thursday is day that Peanut's heartbeat will be heard for the first time. :) Stay tuned for our further "Adventures in Baby-growing" coming soon.

It only comes out at night....

A fitting title I think as we quickly approach All Hallows Eve. The following may not be a nightmare to many, but for a select few it will be one of the few truly scary times in their life...read on if you dare....Muhahahahaha

Are you aware that if you order the same thing multiple times from Ruby Tuesday's that the cooks start to remember you??? I've now had the pleasure of making regular runs for Senora Chicken pasta. Which, may I point out is not even on the menu anymore. Oh and of course it wouldn't be any fun unless I had to order it with outlandish demands that only a lady in such a delicate condition (ha) could possibly want. Here is a cliff notes version of how it normally plays out. "I'd like to order Senora Chicken Pasta please." (here's where the wait staff give you a look of confusion) "Yes, I'm aware that is hasn't been on the menu for awhile now, and yes I know you no longer have the black bean salsa that goes on the top...".

Allow me here to break for a second and issue a brief statement. I do not, nor will ever enjoy messing with those in the food industry. I firmly believe (in large part thanks to all my friends that work(ed) in the food services) that the more you agitate said food industry worker, the more likely you are to eat something that can only be described (at best) as saliva. This being said, I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog....

... and that's ok, she never cared for it anyway." It's at this point the waiter usually tells me that besides the aforementioned salsa, they will be happy (please feel free to practice your "I really care about my job" smile here) to place the order for me. "Great!" I say, "however, there is a few more things...1. Could you please also eliminate the cilantro and tomatoes that used to go on top? 2. I'm gonna need you to add extra cheese. Not just a little extra, add the normal amount of cheese, then, add a second helping of cheese to the pasta. And if after that, you think to yourself I'm positive this is what he meant by extra cheese, add another serving of cheese."

This is my friends, is becoming my new and provocative dance that I get to experience on an ever more frequent basis. Oh and for the record, The order usually comes in around 10:30pm, the time when ALL waiters are so happy to take a complicated order such as this one.

Now that that's all out of my system, I would like to happily point out that by the time most of you read this, we will be officially 12 weeks pregnant. I can't believe that (technically) 1/3 of this wild ride is over already. Jen is doing fantastic, feeling much better than she has been (thanks to pickles) and as you may have guessed experiencing a few cravings :).

Geeze, this one seems to have gotten a bit wordy on me. My apologies to all those followers with ADD. Although, I feel remiss about not ending with the Halloween theme that I opened with, so without further adieu....

....and when the frightened girl looked back at the car, she saw a BLOODY HOOK hanging from the door handle!!!

Jim Bob Stickyfinger's All New Miracle Tonic

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, step right up and take a look at our newest in fast-workin pharmaceuticals! You love our miracle hair-tonic, and now we offer you the finest in tummy saving medicine. Our researchers have discovered that by simply taking a few sips of our wonder tonic, your nausea vanishes faster than dust bunnies in an Oklahoma thunderstorm. And not only does evaporate nausea, but it kicks the tarnaition outta acid-reflux. That's right folks, by simply drinkin straight from our officially licensed dill pickle jars you too can experience this miracle of modern science!!!

Yes, I'm not lying, Jenni really did call me today and explain to me the power of pickle juice. Apparently a few sips work wonders for that pukey, acid-refluxy feeling that she's become so used to. Oh, and just in case you're wondering, we are now officially 10 weeks along and every thing's still going smashingly. Stay tune for the upcoming Pregnancy Pool. Figured what says I love you more than a little gambling?

Excited about the Future

Welcome to our blog. I promise to try and update it as much as possible. So far, we are nine weeks along (almost 10) and everything is going great. Well, I say they're going great but I'm sure Jenni would possibly disagree due to the horrible bouts of morning sickness she's been enduring ha ha. We were lucky enough to have an early sonogram, and I gotta say, that was probably the coolest thing I've ever seen. I mean sure, it looked like the weather channel tracking a hurricane, but from the moment I saw the tiny little heartbeat, it finally started to sink in that Jen's gotta baby in there!! The due date we've been given is May 4th so I guess there's a good chance that we could have two birthdays on the same day! The heartbeat was 160bpm which we're told is great, and he's (yes I said he, because I refuse to think that there may be a little girl in there) about the size of a peanut. The idea of that just cracked me up, so from then on, our little baby has been named "Peanut". After looking at the pictures, Jenni said she thinks he looks like a ninja turtle, so I guess Peanut's better than what we could have named him ha ha. One thing that totally freaked me out is that the baby already has elbows. Not sure why that catches me as strange, but the fact that there's not even ears, and he just grew the flippers that will become his hands, the fact he's got elbows is just amazing.

Heh, forgot to tell you guys, last night Jenni had to go to Wal-Mart to get some groceries, and apparently being pregnant has given her a overly sensitive nose, (we call it the "Super Sniffer") cause she was going down the pickle isle and was so overwhelmed by the smell she had to buy some immediately. She told me she didn't even get the cold food put away before she had to eat one!